Grab a blanket and maybe your therapist’s number, freaky little strumpets, because this week we’re checking into The Mad House by Liza James. It’s a D-A-R-K (as coined by your Minister of Moisture) sapphic romance about stepsisters Ophelia and Cedar, raised in a religious cult. Cedar escapes. Ophelia doesn’t, until her protector alter ego takes over. Add a tattoo artist by day, vigilante by night who does not do tender. We work out the book’s boob-to-bloodshed ratio and assign ourselves dominant alter egos (say hi to Carissa, Cindy, and a secretary who enforces bedtime). We also play Fuck, Marry, Yeet: Step & Cousin Edition and coin “fincest” for the official glossary. Plus: why Elisa will never, ever let Colleen get her dessert “foamy.” It’s a heavy book, and it earns at least one drip.

Strap in freaky little strumpets because this week we are going to church and absolutely nobody is getting saved. Pounded by Produce by G.M. Fairy answers the question no one asked — what if Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber were secretly-in-love Catholic priests who get cursed by an angel-witch to turn into actual produce, and then a woman rubs them all over her body until everyone finds God? We discuss the confessional scene that had all three of us on our knees, Jess's first five-star read of 2026 being about cucumber f*cking, Elisa's firm stance that gourds look like they have gonorrhea, which produce we'd each grab from our own fridges in a pinch, Lindsay's grape-based OnlyFans venture that no one asked for, a Japanese man who crushed 78 walnuts with his butt cheeks in 30 seconds, and the Cucumber Cleanse of 2017 that healthcare providers would like you to forget. Lusty Lieutenant Lindsay leads the charge this week and she came prepared — she's been training for this since she lip-synced Silly Songs with Larry in front of her entire middle school. Spoilers always. Judgment never. Veggies can't sin.