Grab a blanket and maybe your therapist’s number, freaky little strumpets, because this week we’re checking into The Mad House by Liza James. It’s a D-A-R-K (as coined by your Minister of Moisture) sapphic romance about stepsisters Ophelia and Cedar, raised in a religious cult. Cedar escapes. Ophelia doesn’t, until her protector alter ego takes over. Add a tattoo artist by day, vigilante by night who does not do tender. We work out the book’s boob-to-bloodshed ratio and assign ourselves dominant alter egos (say hi to Carissa, Cindy, and a secretary who enforces bedtime). We also play Fuck, Marry, Yeet: Step & Cousin Edition and coin “fincest” for the official glossary. Plus: why Elisa will never, ever let Colleen get her dessert “foamy.” It’s a heavy book, and it earns at least one drip.