Strap in freaky little strumpets because this week we are going to church and absolutely nobody is getting saved. Pounded by Produce by G.M. Fairy answers the question no one asked — what if Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber were secretly-in-love Catholic priests who get cursed by an angel-witch to turn into actual produce, and then a woman rubs them all over her body until everyone finds God? We discuss the confessional scene that had all three of us on our knees, Jess's first five-star read of 2026 being about cucumber f*cking, Elisa's firm stance that gourds look like they have gonorrhea, which produce we'd each grab from our own fridges in a pinch, Lindsay's grape-based OnlyFans venture that no one asked for, a Japanese man who crushed 78 walnuts with his butt cheeks in 30 seconds, and the Cucumber Cleanse of 2017 that healthcare providers would like you to forget. Lusty Lieutenant Lindsay leads the charge this week and she came prepared — she's been training for this since she lip-synced Silly Songs with Larry in front of her entire middle school. Spoilers always. Judgment never. Veggies can't sin.

Buckle up freaky little strumpets because this week we are leaving the atmosphere and none of us are coming back the same. Alien Quarantine Rescue by Robin Lovett asks the important question — what if the pandemic had been solved by a naked alien with a shiny vibrating dick and testicles the size of a Subway footlong crashing into your backyard? We discuss the glitter cum, the physics defying anatomy, the sleepgasm Lindsay had the morning of recording, Jess's scientific research into exactly how long twelve inch testicles would actually be, and whether Pfizer missed a critical opportunity. Written during 2020 and somehow more plausible than whatever else was happening that year. Janitor of Joyful Orifices Jess leads the charge this week and she came prepared. Spoilers always. Judgment never. Science always.

This week, the Between the Folds crew dives into Navesa Allen's "Lights Out," a stalker romance that's equal parts steamy and surprisingly wholesome. Join Jess, Lindsay, and Elisa as they unpack the story of Josh, a reclusive cyber genius with a TikTok mask account, and Ally, a trauma nurse who accidentally falls for her ex's masked roommate.

Fair warning: this episode contains excessive narrator thirst, Twilight comparisons that may hurt your feelings, and the revelation that the sexy baker guy has ruined us all.

A runaway heroine, a millionaire minotaur, and enough kinky minotaur bull-peen to make your Kindle combust. Welcome to Thick Beef.